Once again I have been abandoned by those notoriously fickle ZZ Top fans. But it’s no big deal, because a new mob has descended on Anadamide. It seems people looking for “jon bon jovi” in Google can’t seem to get enough of the creamy piece of cheesecake you see at the top of this post. That’s right, a shaved-down, buffed-up Jon Bon Jovi with only a thin piece of cotton standing between you and a big dose of “Bad Medicine”. Open up and say “aaah”, Anandamide readers.
We at Anandamide have been accused of “homoerotic overfocus” (thanks, Karindira, that still cracks us up) and it’s true, I picked that Bon Jovi photo in the first place because there’s almost nothing I find as funny as the combustible mix of homoeroticism and classic rock.
Let’s make it clear what we’re talking about here: homoeroticism isn’t inherently funny. Gay porn, for instance, isn’t any funnier than straight porn. Homoerotic imagery of gay rock stars also isn’t funny. So to be precise, it’s only homoerotic imagery of “straight” rock stars that cracks me up. Thus:
-Freddy Mercury wearing a dress? Fun, but not funny.
-Paul Stanley singing lyrics about what a master cocksman he is while wearing pink satin cut down to his navel? Comic gold.
I welcome your comments as to what makes homoerotic pictures of straight rock stars so funny, but here’s my theory: Homoerotic images from heterosexual stars are produced on the basis of what I consider to be a fundamentally flawed belief: that women are turned on in the same way as men. If you adhere to this belief, the reasoning would be that the more revealing the clothes and the more sexually provocative the pose, the more the chicks will dig it (see Bon Jovi photo above). In reality, there are some women who do go for this, but only a small minority. So who do these photos appeal to? I have no way of proving this, but I’m willing to bet that a high proportion of the 340 hits this Bon Jovi picture got yesterday are from men. Men (gay or straight) are largely visually driven in the sensual domain so if they were so inclined, this Bon Jovi photo might be just the thing. So, what makes homoerotic rock star pictures funny is that not only are these guys making a clueless, ham-fisted attempt to turn on the ladies, but they are unwittingly attracting a lot of dudes. Given the rampant homophobia among so many classic rock bands and fans, I find this ironic little marketing SNAFU pretty funny.
Whether you buy this theory or not (and again, I welcome your thoughts) there’s no denying the humorous power of homoerotic rock star images. That’s what made the ’80s such a colossal lark. So we’d like you to send your most hilariously homoerotic rock star photos. Either leave a link in the comments section or e-mail the file to anandamide.blog@gmail.com. The best will be posted here for your comments. The winner will receive the very prestigious “Goes to 11″ seal of approval.
Here are some simple ground rules:
-Highest points will be awarded for bands that go way out of their way to portray themselves as macho-men or lady-killers. So, for example, if you find a picture of the guys in AC/DC playing Twister in their tighty-whities, you win.
-Don’t send in tiny little photos, they’re unpublishable.
-Only classic rock band photos will be posted. Spandau Ballet won’t make it. If your local classic rock station doesn’t play it, we won’t show it.
-I am the decisionater, and I will judge the winning photo, but this judgment will be strongly influenced by comments made by you….kind of like American Idol in reverse.
Gentlemen, start your engines…..
Check your mail, a lot, today.
Speaking as someone who watches his share of gay porn, I have to disagree: it’s always way more hilarious than straight porn. Depictions of women eagerly savoring a bhukake finale? Funny. Depictions of macho football teams suddenly breaking into a 6-man pile-up in the locker room while the coach watches through an outside window (an everyday occurence, I’m sure)? Comedy gold.
I’ve always wondered what the Grateful Dead looked like nude.
Tenacious S: You are living up to your blog-handle. The rest of you punks had better step up with some photos. Tenacious has thrown the glove down.
Disco: I believe six man pile-ups of the type you describe are everyday occurrences in the locker rooms of the Bears, Vikings and Lions.
Grant: Apparently they’re made of hash from the neck down.
Will have to give this some thought… My first reaction was to google someone who was full enough of himself to make the mistake you describe. So:
http://bueroalbers.com/images/michel_comte/photos/portfolio/1_l_sting.jpg
Not very good, though because he was going for some kind of artsy-fartsy thing. Plus, that was probably well after his Police days, at which he left the Classic Rock genre, IMHO.
Ohh, but how about this one:
http://www.vanhalenstore.com/shop/graphics/00000001/VH108-b.jpg
Might not be a winner, but should at least merit an honorable mention. I’m sure if you poke around, there’s a full frontal of Diamond Dave out there.
Does Sting count? In any arena?
I kept trying to read what you wrote, but I kept going back to the picture. My God, what a juicy piece of man-meat.
Hillman: No, that’s some strong stuff, consider yourself entered (ouch, even the comments are taking on a certain homoerotic tone…)
Dale: In the homoerotic arena, Sting definitely counts.
BekEye: I’ll take that as a vote of non-confidence in my theory…..
this is the gayest video ever made – Billy Squire, Rock Me Tonight.
I agree, in fact I submitted that for Splotchy’s “Gayest video ever” contest. Unfortunately somebody else made the same vote a couple of hours before me. This video exemplifies what I’m talking about….had this been a gay guy, you’d simply think “hmmmm….he’s a pretty bad dancer”. but since he’s straight it’s more like “holy shit, what’s he trying to do?”.
brilliant. that sums up the ’80s. speaking of which, I’ve only had one entry so far that isn’t from the ’80s. Wonder why……
In defense of Billy Squire, remember that this was back in 1984 and he was competing with other acts that were popular for having androgynous appearances. He was straight-laced in comparison. I was fourteen when this video came out and it turned me on. Yes, he was a terrible dancer (it reminds me of Kevin’s Kline’s dance scene in “In and Out”), but he was a cutie and I had plenty of pubescent fantasies about the two of us on that bed. Oh, yeah!
Also, you mentioned Paul Stanley. Let’s not forget what a chick Gene can be. I know you’re not accepting videos, but not sharing this would be wrong.
Bon Jovi?
No thanks!
Sting?
Doesn’t he have a lifesize copy of that photo hanging over his bed?
David Lee Roth,
I don’t think that particular photo is homoerotic, but he has worn buttless chaps. Homoerotic tendencies are certainly there.
Elizabeth: OK, I was beginning to wonder about you, with that whole Billy Squier fetish, but you came screaming back with that video. Brilliant.
…and if you can actually find the photo with the buttless chaps, you’d stand a good chance in this competition.
I wouldn’t say Billy was a fetish. He was just one of many rockers who ignited my teenage curiosities. I could have done worse.
Thanks for the compliment. I actually rented that when it came out on video. I’ll sit through anything Kiss related at least once. Unfortunately, the image of Gene with boobs is something I’ll never forget.
I looked for Diamond Dave with the buttless chaps, but I couldn’t find anything. Actually, I didn’t look that hard. Gene boobs did enough damage. I could end up as a blubbering mess in a fetal position if I had to look at Dave’s naked cheeks. I do have my mental health to consider.
Nah Anamaide, the ZZ Tops fans are still here but this particular one has been a bit sick so I’m sorry about the stats. I should visit more often.
I do care and shall keep coming back – even if you are posting shots like these of Bon Jovi and ….. the rest.
Peace and love.
~ RS ~
If YOU think Paul Stanley is STR8, then you truly do not have any sense of what they call”GAYDAR”..Even GENE calls him “the Lady Stanley”