Axl Rose: Where the Wild Things Are

The year 1991 Axl wore his bandana and made mischief of one kind

and another

his band called him “WILD THING”

and Axl said “I’LL EAT YOU UP”

Instead he fired them

and retreated to his LA mansion without eating anything.

That very night in Axl’s mansion, Chinese Democracy grew

and grew-

and grew until his tapes were full of overdubs

and the songs were as long as the world all around

his dealer tumbled by with a private stash

and he sailed off through night and day

and in and out of years

and almost over a decade

to where the wild things are.

And when he came to the place where the wild things are

they implanted their terrible hair plugs and performed their terrible face lifts

and offered their terrible advice and showed their terrible claws

when they wrote their terrible concert reviews and gossip pieces.

till Axl said “BE STILL”

(actually he said “FUCK IT, I’M OUTTA HERE”, but why split hairs?)

and tamed them with the magic trick

of threatening to disappear altogether, thus robbing them of income

and they were frightened and called him the most wild thing of all

and made him king of all wild things.

“and now,” cried Axl, “let the wild rumpus start!”

!!%#**!!!&*##

“Now stop!” Axl said and fired the whole bloody lot of them without paying their percentages and retainers. And Axl the king of all wild things was lonely

and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.

Then all around from far away across the world

he heard the sound of applause

so he gave up being king of where the wild things are.

But the wild things cried, “Oh please don’t go-

we’ll eat you up-we love you so!”

And Axl said, “No!”

The wild things waved their terrible contracts and had their terrible attorneys

send letters full of terrible threats

they even sent over a few ounces of totally killer blow to get him to reconsider

but Axl stepped into his private plane and waved good-bye

and flew back over a decade

and in and out of years

and through a week

and back to 1991

where he found an audience still waiting for him

and he was still hot.

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